Despite my best efforts, I withdraw often when I’m struggling with my mental health. Then I beat myself up about it, to pile on the negative feelings.
Just over 18 months ago, I tried to take my own life. My relationship of 11.5 years ended. I lost my fiancée. I lost my home. I lost my security. Absolutely saddled with debt. A student with no real income. I lost everything. I had nothing. Having struggled with anxiety and depression for many years, all of this broke me. I had moved temporarily in with my brother. The night before, I had written a note to each of those closest to me. That morning, I attempted to take my life.
The hardest thing about my attempt failing was the faces, the cries and emotion from my family. I will never forget it as long as I live. If anything, the feelings were compounded by the most overwhelming guilt I have ever experienced.
I finished a 1 year course at college. I am due to start university next week.
I got my driving license earlier this year and got my first car a few months later.
I have begun training at Tae Kwon Do.
I meal prep and eat healthier.
I have undergone intensive therapy and began to build myself up.
I have tried on clothes that actually fit me and avoid baggy clothes. I actually feel kinda good.
There’s a girl I’m chatting to who I’m kinda sweet on.
I take myself on dates. Lunch. Dinner. Cinema. Shopping. I’m getting to know me. And I kinda like me a little bit more every day.
I’m actually working on a design for submission for a Zox strap. How about that huh? It’s a helluva long shot but it’s an idea.
It has been the most hard-going, arduous and exhausting mountain to climb. By no means am I at the peak. But I’m climbing. Sometimes, I slide down a little. But I’m getting stronger. I can pick myself up better than ever before. The cloud is lifting. The anxiety is coming to the forefront now, but when the depression lifts even for a little while? I ENJOY life. I walk around a local loch (I’m in Scotland. It’s a lake 😂) I love the smells, the sounds and the feeling of the wind.
I couldn’t have gotten here without my wee family, my closest friends and others.
To all those still fighting; I’m right there with you. My fight goes on every day. And believe it or not, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Will the darkness ever go away? I have no idea. But I’m gonna keep fighting to make it go away.
If anyone, anywhere, EVER needs someone to talk to, message me. Talk to someone. You are not alone.